A Hundred Words for Cold
by babs-sg1
Summary: There are a hundred words for cold, but only one for love.


A Hundred Words for Cold

"Oh. Yes I understand. I'm not sure that-We can ask, yes." A pause, and then. "I know. I don't think—yes yes- I'll contact you. Thank you."

Jack looked up from the brochure in his hands. If it hadn't been written in a language he couldn't read and had pictures of a sky with two moons, he could have pretended he was sitting in a hotel room on Earth. "Daniel?"

"Huh?" Daniel stood by what passed for a phone on P6T-070 with his mind evidently light years away. "Oh, that was Karalin—SG1 has been invited on a tour."

Carter stopped typing on her laptop, "A tour? Of what?"

"The Yordins want to thank SG1 for opening up trade by taking us on a tour of the continent." Daniel wandered over to the window overlooking the bustling city of Skiwuborg."I don't think General Hammond would—it would be twenty days. Twenty Yorde days." Jack didn't miss the quiet sigh. "I can call her back. Explain."

It was the defeat in Daniel's voice that got to him. That and the light that was never in Daniel's eyes any longer. Once upon a time, Daniel would have been arguing with him, telling him how important it was to learn more of this world, more of this technology. Daniel rubbed his left wrist—the one Reese had broken. He and Daniel had been at odds ever since Reese's death—did robots die, Jack wondered? Or maybe even before. Maybe—Jack couldn't find a specific event or time that he had pushed Daniel away, had come to expect that Daniel would toe the official SGC line no matter the cost to his soul. He realized he missed that Daniel—and well, perhaps it was time to at least try to bring Daniel back to them.

He exchanged a look with Carter and then Teal'c. "Explain what? You know my philosophy—it never hurts to ask."

Daniel turned to him and raised his eyebrows. "When has that ever been your philosophy? I seem to remember do and then ask, but I kind of think General Hammond wouldn't be pleased with us just not showing up tomorrow."

Jack shrugged and tossed the brochure on the bed. "Teal'c, you're with me. Carter, Daniel, didn't you say you wanted to visit the university library one more time? Go and we'll meet up back here in four hours."

That put a small smile on Daniel's face and Jack waited until he went into the other room of the suite to gather his pack. "Carter, keep him busy. Teal'c, we're gonna dial up home and see what the good general has to say."

Jack spent the time walking through the city to the Stargate thinking of all the possible arguments he could use to persuade Hammond that SG1 needed to stay and take the tour. He didn't know if his idea would work and SG1 would become the team they'd been, but he owed it to Daniel to at least try. Teal'c walked beside him, silent and observant, nodding at the residents of the city who offered their greetings to the two men.

"Here goes nothing," Jack said when they'd established their connection to Earth once more.

"I would say this is most definitely something, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "I believe this tour would be most healing for Daniel Jackson."

Jack gave a short nod. If he failed, he didn't know how much longer Daniel would stay with them. The thought of there not being a Daniel in his life made his throat hurt. "Hey, General, how's things?"

"Colonel O'Neill, is there a problem? SG1 is scheduled to return tomorrow."

"Yeah, about that." Jack paused. "SG1 has been invited on a tour of the continent. Sort of a meet and greet."

"A meet and greet." General Hammond repeated.

Jack took a breath. "It was an invitation, sir. The Yordins put a great deal of stock in hospitality."

"And if we refuse?"

"I don't think it would make a difference for the treaty. They've already given their word they would sign and establish trade." Jack tapped his fingers on his leg. "Sir, I'll be honest. This would mean a lot to Daniel."

"I appreciate your honesty, Colonel, but to have SG1 off rotation-" General Hammond paused. "What about Doctor Jackson?"

"Sir. You know Daniel. You know what we've, what Daniel's been through lately. And sometimes, we forget Daniel isn't a soldier despite his competence at everything we ask of him." Jack leaned closer to the camera. "Sir, if you'd seen him the past three days, you'd know how much he is in his element."

"How long, Jack?" General Hammond asked. "And are your reports going to justify my approval?"

"Twenty Yordin days-"

"Equivalent to 23.3 Earth days," Teal'c said.

"And yes, sir, I am sure we can make our reports justify the length of the stay." Jack pulled a paper out of his pocket. "And since we're staying, I wrote a list of things Daniel is going to need."

Carter and Daniel came back from the library, both of them tumbling over words and each other so quickly that Jack had no idea what they were saying or how they understood each other.

Carter looked up mid-sentence, smiled, and went right back to her babbling, Daniel nodding along as they headed towards the other room to stow their packs.

Jack counted to ten in his head and yep—up Daniel popped, carrying one of the notebooks Jack had requested.

"We're going? General Hammond approved it? I have to call Karolin, let her know." Daniel turned in a slow circle and Jack grinned. He wished he'd have an excuse to take a picture just so he could show it to Hammond when they went back home.

"Yes, yes, and already done," Jack told him. Carter came up behind Daniel, her smile bright.

"Is it true, sir? We're going? Oh Daniel, we have to write out everything we want to ask, to learn." Carter grabbed his arm and started pulling him to the desk. Daniel grabbed a pencil and started scribbling something.

"No, Carter. First we get dinner," Jack told her.

Teal'c took the notebook from Daniel and placed it on the desk. "There will be time for you and Major Carter to discuss your plans later and perhaps during any travel time. O'Neill is correct." He looked at Carter. "You will not enjoy the trip if you do not take time to rest now."

Daniel and Carter sighed in unison and then Daniel shrugged his shoulders. "I guess if we can't beat them, we have to join them."

"Daniel, c'mon. Time to get some sleep," Jack said. He lay on his bed watching Daniel pack and re-pack all the notebooks Jack had requested. Along with the reference books and extra batteries and cameras, Daniel's supplies had overflowed into Jack's own.

"I need to get everything-" Daniel stopped a moment and looked at Jack. "You could help, you know."

"I could," Jack said and made a show of stretching his arms and yawning. "But you always complain that I don't pack things the way you want."

"When did I ever do that?" Daniel raised his eyebrows.

"Hmm..." Jack sat up and put a pillow behind his back and held up a hand. "P7R-116, that other planet where you found those weird vases that you said were important but were just weird vases, M9Y-332, moving to your house, the archaeology lab after Carter started that little fire. Need I continue?"

Daniel turned back to his packing., his shoulders hunched. Jack sighed and got out of bed to join him.

"What do you want me to do?" Jack asked, squatting beside him. When Daniel looked at him in surprise, he sighed. "You'll never get to bed if I don't help, so tell me what to do."

When Daniel opened his mouth, Jack put a finger over his lips. "And not that. You know what I mean."

Two hours later, Jack sat on his bed and watched Daniel finally sleeping. Everything was packed and ready. Daniel lay tightly curled up, sound asleep, one hand tucked under his chin and Jack wanted nothing more than to ease the lines that creased Daniel's forehead even as he slept. He'd meant every word he'd said to Hammond. Daniel did need this. There had been too many close calls, too many losses, little pieces of Daniel being eaten away by war and the never-ending quest for weapons. For all Daniel had given the SGC, it was only fair that once in awhile the SGC gave something back.

Daniel was still sleeping when Jack heard Carter and Teal'c in the other room. He got dressed in the dark and started carrying out their packs.

He put a finger to his lips when he saw the others. "Daniel's out like a light." He kept his voice low. "I want to let him sleep as long as possible."

Teal'c nodded. "It is unlikely that Daniel Jackson will want to sleep much on our travels."

Jack nodded. "Exactly—and you, Carter, and I are going to make sure he sleeps and eats and gets to explore to his heart's content."

Carter nodded, her blue eyes serious. "The sleeping and eating part might be easier said than done." She looked away then, as if something troubled her. "Sir, I, we—I'm afraid we're losing him."

Jack said nothing, but looked out the window at the twinkling lights of the dark city on this cold cold world and wondered if there was a way they—he—could help Daniel heal.

Jack felt the weight of Daniel's heavy wool sock clad feet against his thigh. They were in their capsule on the Yordin equivalent of train as they sped through the night back to Skiwuborg and the Stargate. Tomorrow, they'd be home and back into their world, but for tonight, Jack wanted to pretend they could keep on this journey forever.

Daniel shifted and Jack rested a hand on his ankle. He watched Daniel who was oblivious to anything but the small notebook in which he wrote. The lines, the stress was gone from Daniel's face, the smiles had come easier, the sheer joy that Daniel took in learning evident. Carter was up in the front of the train gathering all the information she could on the propulsion system. Both she and Daniel had filled notebooks with their scribbles—enough, Jack felt, to justify his request for the longer mission. As for him, he'd enjoyed the food, the visits to greenhouses heated by geothermal vents, and looking up into a sky so clear that he drowned in stars.

"Jack," Daniel said.

"Yeah?"

"Is there a reason you're rubbing my ankle?" Daniel peered over his glasses, notebook forgotten for the moment.

Jack looked down where he was making a small circle with his thumb. "Uh, no. Just-"

Daniel shrugged. "Don't worry about it." He straightened, pushing against Jack's thigh although Jack was pretty sure it was unintentional. He was already flipping through pages in the notebook again.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked. "You've been writing in that every night."

Daniel looked up in surprise. "You really want to know."

"You know me—curious George." Jack smiled. "Or Jack as the case may be."

"It's a dictionary of sorts," Daniel said. He swung his feet off the cushions and moved beside Jack. Jack missed the weight of him.

Daniel pointed to a word in the notebook. "Hofgikaldr," he said and traced it with a finger. "You'd think that on a world of perpetual winter, they'd use warmth to evoke emotion, but the Yordins embrace the cold. They have a wealth of words to express ideas, all using different kinds of cold."

"So those words that have no equivalent in another language? Like gemutlichkeit?"

"You do listen," Daniel smiled. "Exactly."

"So what does hofgikaldr convey?" Jack asked, stumbling over the pronunciation.

"Hofgikaldr," Daniel said again with a far different inflection than Jack's. "Sleep cold—sleeping deeply after working or playing in the cold." He pointed to another. "Godrkaldr—comfort or cozy cold."

"This," Jack said. "Knowing it's cold, but you are inside looking out."

Daniel nodded. "There's nowhere near enough time for me to make a complete list. It took me a few days to figure out how the words were being used. I should have asked right away." He sighed and closed the notebook. "I think I've only touched the surface. According to Karalin, there are over a hundred such combinations."

"I'm sorry," Jack said. He knew as well as Daniel the chances of SG-1 coming back to Yorde were slight, maybe even less than slight. And he was sorry—sorry for more than that. He was sorry they were going home and that Daniel would be once again put in the position of being the conscience of the SGC, always being asked to give up his vision for what the SGC, and sorry he was too much of a coward to tell Daniel how he felt.

If he kept busy, then maybe he wouldn't have to time to think. Jack looked at Carter and Teal'c as they packed boxes in Daniel's living room and turned his attention back to Daniel's dresser. The clothing would be donated to a charity, something Daniel would have wanted. Jack pulled out shirts and jeans and tossed them in a box, not wanting to look, not wanting to linger on any too long.

Damn it, Daniel. Why did you have to play the hero? And why didn't I ever tell you-Jack shut down that line of thought and opened another drawer. He pulled out a pair of heavy wool socks and remembered the feel of the cables under his fingers on a cold dark night while they sped across Yorde. He hesitated a moment and tossed them in the box labeled for storage in his garage.

Clothes done, he moved to the bedside table. An open over-turned book—a mystery novel with Carter's name on a card inside it, a box of tissues, one of Cassie's school pictures, a postcard from someone whose name he didn't recognize, and in a drawer, a small notebook with a pencil being used as a place marker. Jack opened it with breath held and looked at a handwriting as familiar to him as his own. He stuck it in his pocket unable to let it go to the SGC.

He kept going, moved to the bathroom, held a toothbrush and smelled soap and shampoo and turned off feeling. He could hear Carter and Teal'c talking, heard Carter laugh and then bite back a sob. At least General Hammond hadn't insisted Jonas Quinn come along. It was bad enough he'd invaded Daniel's office.

Jack didn't waste time packing the remains of Daniel's life. He didn't want to remind himself of loss and when some of the boxes had been picked up and shipped to the SGC, and the others unloaded into his garage, taped and sealed and waiting for God knew what, he sat down and drank beer to forget. Something sharp dug into his thigh and he pulled it out—that forgotten notebook. Did the Yordins have a word for loss so deep it felt as if part of one's soul was gone? A cold that filled one's heart and made everything gray? Einnkaldr—alone cold? Harmrkaldr—grief cold? Daniel's notes weren't finished. He wanted to hear Daniel's voice slide over the consonants and vowels, whisper explanation. But Daniel couldn't, Daniel never would again.

He opened the door to find Carter standing there. She had been crying.

"Sir? Jack? Can I-" She waved a hand.

"Yeah." He opened the door wider, stepped aside to let her in. "What are you doing here?"

She shook her head, tears starting anew. "Don't you know?" She went past him, down the step and sat on the couch. "The day."

Oh, Jack knew. He'd been trying to spend the day forgetting.

"It's his birthday—was-" She looked up at him and he saw, saw the raw grief and pain and her need for something he couldn't give.

"I know, yes," he said and stood, hands at his sides feeling helpless in the face of her pain. "You want a cup of coffee or something?" He felt he should offer.

She wrapped her arms over her middle, rubbed her arms as if she was cold despite the heat. "No. No. It's—oh God, I miss him. I want him back."

He sat down next to her, not touching, held himself apart and waited while she cried out her hurt.

He listened to the clock ticking, the next door neighbor's kid revving the engine of his car when he left to go wherever kids these days went, and Carter's slowing sobs.

"I shouldn't have come," she said finally. "I'm sorry. I was looking-"

"Yeah," Jack said. They sat in silence for what felt like a long time although the shadows across the floor didn't change. "Sam, I-" he began at the same time she said, "Jack, sir, Colonel."

He motioned for her to talk and she shook her head.

"You go first," she said. "Because I need to hear what you're going to say."

Jack raised his eyes to the ceiling, let his gaze skim across the floor before he turned to look at her. She deserved that much. "I don't love you, Carter. I mean-" He fell back into silence because he didn't want to hurt her, make her feel as if she didn't deserve his love.

She let out a long shaky breath and gave him a half-smile. "I know, sir. I think I've always known. In my heart, I've always known where your heart lies." She reached out and gently touched the back of his hand. "Your secret is safe with me and Teal'c. I want you to know that." She shook her head and shivered.

He wrapped an arm over her shoulders and tried to pull up one of the words from Daniel's Yorde notebook. Vinrkaldr—walking in the cold with a friend and understanding each other without saying a word.

He hurt. He wanted to die. It hurt and he was so tired.

"I'm here, Jack," Daniel said and he hated him. He hated that he'd ever shown himself in this hellhole of Ba'al's. It had been easier when he was alone.

"Don't be scared," Daniel said. "You're not alone." But he was. He was because Daniel was here and he couldn't touch him. He couldn't hold him and feel his strength. He was alone.

"Hlifkaldr," Daniel whispered when he lay trembling and cold and scared on the floor. "Shelter in the cold. I'm with you. I'm always with you."

Jack wanted to hate him, but it was Daniel and even through the stink of his fear, he loved him still.

He lay in the dark of the infirmary, Fraiser's drugs blunting the pain. Someone was nearby—Teal'c, quiet and strong.

"I am here, O'Neill," Teal'c said when Jack cried out later, memory surfacing in the long night. "Doctor Fraiser allows me to remain."

Teal'c covered his hand, said nothing when Jack held on, too tired to be strong and stoic, said nothing when tears fell or when Jack called out Daniel's name. Just was there—as he'd always been for Jack and Carter and Daniel, their guardian and stalwart friend-hlifkaldr—protection from the deepest cold.

He remembered how he'd felt when Charlie was born—the almost obsessive need to check to make sure there were ten fingers and ten toes. Daniel sat in the infirmary, glasses on and looking around in wonder. He swore he could see the gears grinding as Daniel tried to process everything that was happening.

Jack wanted to enfold him in a hug and tell him everything was going to be okay. Except—except he didn't know if it was. What if the memories were lost forever? What if Daniel couldn't or wouldn't come back to them. Don't kid yourself, O'Neill, Jack thought. It isn't them you want him to come back to—it's you.

Still—it was a second chance. A second chance no one else would have gotten. He nodded to Daniel and Daniel gave a tentative smile.

Give him time, Fraiser said—that's what everyone was saying, would be saying. Time was the one thing they had now—lengrkaldr—time cold-standing in the dark night and watching the stars spin above you because everything is as it should be.

There were still gaps—fewer than there had been months ago, but every so often, Jack would say something, or Carter or Teal'c would make reference to a past event, and Daniel would pause, get a confused look on his face until someone explained. It must have been frustrating or scary but Daniel never complained. Just carried on and took in the explanation and filed it away.

Jack trod softly in those first weeks. But when the powers that be decided that one Doctor Daniel Jackson, newly descended, was allowed off base and into the real world once more, it was Jack who took their lost lamb home. It was Jack who listened as he spoke of Nick and his parents and it was Jack who held him as he trembled through the memories of his addiction to the sarcophagus and cried in pain from radiation poisoning.

If it's nothing more, Jack would bargain alone at night, if this is all I ever have of him—his friendship, his steady presence, it's enough. Because he'd just lived through one of the worst years of his life and he knew he couldn't ever go through it again.

When the SGC found a house for Daniel, Jack helped him move and make the house into a home. He went back to his house and realized how empty it felt without Daniel in it, but Daniel was just a phone call away, a five minutes drive, not off gallivanting around the universe doing his glow-y thing. So it was okay. It was more than okay.

He found Daniel and Bill Lee in the jungle and brought them home safely. Well, to be honest, Daniel had a lot to do with his own rescue. When Daniel collapsed in the hallway after the others' return through the Stargate, they sat with him, even Bra'tac and Jacob and so there was no time to tell Daniel what he felt.

Jack was beginning to think of himself as a coward. He swore Teal'c and Carter kept a watch over him wondering if he was ever going to tell Daniel how he felt. The time was never right. There were times they were still off, out of synch where they'd always been before. So he did his best to let Daniel know in a thousand little ways what he meant to him. A pat on the shoulder, a smile across the briefing table, trust in Daniel's ideas to get them out of a jam off-world. Jack didn't stop being grateful, and he reminded himself daily that he was happy—it was just that if he worked up the courage to take that final step, he would be happier.

Jack opened the door before Daniel could knock. The other man looked beat down and Jack wondered what he'd been up to. There hadn't been enough time to mourn, Jack thought. There never seemed to be.

Daniel walked through his house, a little off balance, weaving as if drunk, even though Jack hadn't smelled any alcohol.

"I want to forget," Daniel said and stood in the middle of Jack's living room, looked at Jack as if he had all the answers.

He could have given one of his smart-ass comments but Daniel didn't need that. What Daniel wanted was an answer, a way to make sense of Janet Fraiser's death. "No you don't," Jack said.

Daniel shook his head, although it wasn't denial. "I know," he said and his voice cracked, his hands shook.

"Sit down," Jack said and caught him back, sat him down on the sofa. He'd seen Daniel cry but he'd never seen him sob. Daniel bent over at the waist, folding in on himself as if by doing so he could keep in his grief.

"Why? Why her?" Daniel kept asking—the question every survivor had.

"Hold on," Jack repeated over and over and hoped some part of Daniel believed it. He held him as tightly as he dared and slowly, slowly felt him relax and unfold.

"Tell me it won't hurt forever," Daniel demanded, obstinate but still lost.

"I can't. I can only tell you it will hurt less," Jack said. He found a blanket, made Daniel wrap himself up in it while he made a pot of coffee. When he came back in the room, Daniel was sitting there with the notebook from Yorde in his hands.

"I forgot about this," Daniel said. His voice was hoarse but steady. He took the cup and held it between two shaking hands. Jack was glad he'd added the sugar.

"The pain of loss, of someone dying and the cold that you feel after," Daniel said when he'd drunk half the cup. "Liffatoinnkaldr." He patted his shirt, his pants pocket and Jack got up, found a pen, and handed it to him. He watched as Daniel added to the entry—Janet Fraiser was what he wrote.

"Uh, I'll just go back in Jack's office," Daniel said as he stood wrapped in nothing more than a flag. Jack didn't miss Carter's hastily averted gaze, her cheeks reddening.

"So we done here?" Jack said. He resisted the urge to look at his now closed office door.

"I believe we are, O'Neill," Teal'c said. He hesitated when he rose. "I am glad you are returned to us, Daniel Jackson."

Jack hid a grin as a muffled thanks came from behind the door.

"Talk to you later," Jack said and waved as the others left. He opened the door, heart pounding.

Daniel stood there, looking at him. "Sorry?"

"You have got to stop doing this," Jack said. He went to Daniel, grabbed him and planted a kiss on his lips.

Daniel pulled back, his eyes wide. "I don't think I lost my memory this time. We weren't in a, a, relationship, were we?"

Jack shook his head. "We're friends. Good friends. Best friends." And words failed him. His throat tightened as it had every time he went to say three simple words. He rubbed his forehead. God, he needed a break.

"Carter and Teal'c are going to be here tomorrow," Jack said. Daniel sat on the sofa in the cabin, eyes closed and feet up. "Scoot." Jack patted his feet. "This is the most comfortable spot in the place."

Daniel opened his eyes and moved his feet. "It's cold in here."

"It'll take awhile for it to warm up." Jack stretched his own legs out, put them on the coffee table.

"Mm," Daniel said. He took a deep breath, paused, and shook his head.

"What?" Jack asked.

"Nothing." Daniel stared at the fireplace. "I'm cold. I'm gonna go put on some socks." He got up and came back a few minutes later, clad in that pair of wool socks he'd worn all those years ago on Yorde. He sat back down, brought his feet up. "I guess you'll be glad when Sam gets here."

Jack looked at him. "Are you okay? Because yes, I'll be glad when Carter and Teal'c get here, but-"

Daniel interrupted him. "You aren't gonna call her Sam?"

"Why would I?" Jack said. He leaned over, put a hand on Daniel's forehead. "You getting sick or something?"

Daniel batted his hand away. "I'm fine. I just meant. Never mind."

They fell into silence, the only sound that of logs crackling in the fire. Jack put his hand on Daniel's ankle, traced the intricate cable with his fingers. When Daniel moved, he tightened his grip and looked up to see Daniel staring at him.

"Oh," Daniel said. "Oh." Quiet as if he was breathing away ancient dust on an artifact.

Jack looked back, refused to look away, but loosened his hand.

Daniel shook his head. "No. No, it's okay," and Daniel gave him that sweet secret smile that so few ever saw. "I thought, and you and Sam, and then, well you didn't, and-"

"I love you," Jack said to him. "I love you, Daniel." To his surprise, his eyes felt wet.

"Oh," Daniel said again.

"I mean it's okay if you don't, I understand, and I shouldn't have-"

Daniel pushed against his thigh with his feet. "I'm an idiot."

"I wouldn't go that far. I didn't tell you," Jack said. "Carter and Teal'c told me when you were—you know." He pointed a finger sky-ward.

"Sam and Teal'c told you you loved me?" Daniel asked.

"I think they wanted me to make a move." He let his fingers slid a bit further up Daniel's leg. "But I did know. I just was too much a coward."

"On Yorde," Daniel said. "We were on the train looking out at the darkness."

Jack shook his head. "You were looking at your notebook." When Daniel raised his eyebrows, he continued. "The one with all the words for cold."

"Hjartekaldr," Daniel murmured. He flexed his feet. "Heart cold."

"That sounds ominous," Jack said. He watched Daniel as he looked up and to the side, the look when he was accessing something stored in memory.

"Hjartekaldr," Daniel repeated. "When you're warm in the coldest of colds because the person you love best in the world is right beside you." He leaned forward. "You make me feel that, Jack. You. You've always been my haven."

Jack met him partway, brought a hand up to cup Daniel's cheek, tasted salt as their lips met. His tears or Daniel's? He wasn't sure and it didn't matter. They pulled apart, Jack sighing.

"Wait," Daniel told him and came back a few minutes later with the notebook, the cover faded a bit now. He handed it to Jack. "Page 17. I wrote that months ago."

Jack took it, found the entry, and smiled. Hjartekaldr. It had all of Daniel's theories on the derivation—notes Jack didn't understand, but at the bottom of the page, there was two words written in ink—Hjartekaldr. Jack.

He looked up to meet Daniel's eyes. Daniel nodded. Jack reached out a hand, Daniel took it, and he knew no matter how deep the cold, he'd never feel it again.


End file.
